


Going Away Means Forgetting

by Stahlop



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Captain Swan - Freeform, Discord: Captain Swan Neverland New Year, F/M, Mentions of Killian/Milah, neverland canon divergence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29050797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stahlop/pseuds/Stahlop
Summary: “Pan put a curse on it,” he explained. “Once I left on my missions for him I couldn’t remember anything about the island. Except for the fact that it exists. The closer I get the more I’ll remember. Easier for me to not tell others about the place. Once I’m on the island I’ll remember everything that’s relevant, where Pan’s camp is, the places that he’ll most likely be. Don’t you worry, Swan.”
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan
Comments: 11
Kudos: 33
Collections: CS Neverland New Year





	Going Away Means Forgetting

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea floating around in my head for at least a year and a half. And I really wasn't ever going to write it, but then CSNLNY happened, and so did this fic. I'm really hoping it won't be more than 3 chapters, 4 at most.
> 
> Thank you to CSNLNY for this event. I've loved reading all the Neverland fic. And thank you to profdanglais and recoveringthesatellites for being my betas and helping me suss out how moody or hysterical Hook would or wouldn't be.

Emma Swan had been in many situations she never thought she’d find herself in since coming to Storybrooke. As if finding out her parents were fairy tale characters wasn’t enough of a shock, she’d literally had a trial by fire when she had to fight a dragon. And then she and Mary Mar --her mother -- had fallen through a portal and been literally dropped into the Enchanted Forest. Things had been pretty normal since returning from there, or at least, as normal as Storybrooke considered things normal. What with Captain Hook getting hit by a car, Belle losing her memories, Regina sort of turning back into the Evil Queen because her mother was the Queen of Hearts (Emma had to admit, she really never saw that one coming), and then Emma’s own mother killing her arch enemy’s mother. Emma really thought she’d seen everything. And then reality hit when fucking Tamara shot and killed Neal and kidnapped Henry, through a fucking portal (where were all these beans when Rumplestiltskin needed them to find his son?). And now Emma was on a pirate ship with Captain Hook, Snow White and Prince Charming, the Evil Queen, and Rumplestiltskin heading toward a portal to take them to Neverland.

“What can you tell us about Neverland?” Emma asked as they boarded the ship. She wanted to be as prepared as possible for whatever was coming their way.

“Nothing at the moment I’m afraid.” Hook said as he ran around the ship tying ropes off and doing other various things that Emma had no idea about.

“What do you mean nothing?” she asked incredulously as she watched him do what he needed to the ship (and no she was not watching him for other reasons, she really was interested in him getting the ship ready, at least that’s what she was telling herself). “I thought you spent centuries in Neverland.” 

“Probably too drunk to remember anything.” Regina scoffed, sticking her nose into their conversation. Well, her nose did kind of belong in it, Henry was technically her son too, regardless of Emma’s feelings on the matter.

“Pan put a curse on it,” he explained. “Once I left on my missions for him I couldn’t remember anything about the island. Except for the fact that it exists. The closer I get the more I’ll remember. Easier for me to not tell others about the place. Once I’m on the island I’ll remember everything that’s relevant, where Pan’s camp is, the places that he’ll most likely be. Don’t you worry, Swan.” Hook flashed her a cheeky smile that she really wanted to roll her eyes at, but instead she felt herself give a small, but genuine smile. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and quickly went to speak to Mary Margaret and David. She was going to Neverland to find her son, not to ogle the hot pirate, or flirt with him, or for him to flirt with her. There would be no ogling or flirting of any kind.

What the fuck was her life?

The ship seemed to be sailing at a breakneck speed, far too fast for a ship dependent on wind to make it move. Not to mention how large it was. Hook had said something about it being made of enchanted wood. Emma supposed that’s how it sailed the way it did.

Her stomach dropped when the  _ Jolly Roger _ dipped into the portal. Emma had been on a few roller coasters in her life, but she was sure this was scarier than any that were out there. Everyone was holding onto the ropes for dear life, but they seemed to stay standing in their places rather than lose gravity when they went through. It was definitely a different feeling than the last time she went through a portal. The water and the light from the portal was swirling all around them like some kind of vortex (it reminded Emma a lot of the opening credits from Doctor Who), and then suddenly, the vortex disappeared and the ship crested onto the water. Everything was quiet, too quiet for Emma’s liking.

“Remember anything yet?” Regina spit out, breaking the silence. They still looked to be a few hours away from the actual island. Emma could see Neverland, a small island rising up from the ocean in the distance. She looked up at Hook on the deck to see what kind of smarmy answer he would lay upon Regina, but he just stared straight ahead. Emma could see his jaw ticking, which usually meant there was something on his mind. She’d been getting better at reading him, but she couldn’t tell what it was this time. It certainly was not the Evil Queen’s line of questioning. Or maybe Regina had struck a nerve; maybe he was remembering something. Maybe it wasn’t anything good.

“Aye,” he said slowly. “We’ll go to the far side of the island, link up with the widest part of the river. Then we’ll sail right through and take Pan by surprise.” Emma had expected his tone to be more sarcastic, but it wasn’t. There seemed to be a lack of punch in his words to her, like he was trying to act normal, but something was pulling him back. Emma wasn’t sure what was coming back into his head now that they were getting closer to Neverland, but Hook seemed to be going through the motions and had lost all semblance of his sassy (yet annoying) personality. Emma turned back to look out at the island looking in the distance. She wanted to go to him. To ask him about it. But then her parents ambushed her.

Emma hadn’t meant to blame them for Henry getting kidnapped and Neal dying. She knew they were just trying to make her feel better, but god dammit, could Mary Margaret ever cool it with the hope speeches. Ever since she’d remembered she was Snow White it was one goddamn hope speech after another. Good always wins. Evil will always be defeated. So maybe that’s why she went off on them. After everything Regina had done to her, Emma couldn’t believe that her mother still thought good would reign. So she let them know. She controlled her voice to the point that she almost didn’t recognize herself talking. She felt the tears stinging her eyes, yet refused to let them fall. Because she couldn’t be weak. She had to be strong for Henry. She had to be strong for her parents. She had to be strong for Hook because the more she glanced over at him, the paler he seemed to be getting.

“We’ll find Henry.” Mary Margaret said sternly. It was supposed to be a promise, but to Emma’s ears it almost sounded like a plea for her to trust them.

And then Rumplestiltskin came out in the most ridiculous looking outfit she’d ever seen, and she could swear she heard Hook whisper something about using the time for a costume change. A line that should have been said in anger and not in the half-whisper that he said it in. She’s sure Rumplestiltskin’s speech should have made her angry because he was spewing on about how she didn’t believe and Neverland was run on belief or some nonsense, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Hook. His eyes kept darting between the course they were on and the island. Something was seriously wrong.

And then Rumplestiltskin disappeared, and while everyone else seemed to be shocked, Emma was just relieved he’d stopped talking so she could talk to Hook and figure out what the hell was going on with him.

“What’s going on with you?” Emma hissed as she made her way up to where Hook was steering the ship. She could see his hand tightly gripping the wheel, even though any other time she’d seen him steer he barely rested his hand on the spokes.

“Nothing.” Hook said, his jaw ticking again. He stared straight ahead. No smirk graced his lips, no mischief danced in his eyes. He seemed devoid of emotion...or masking it.

“Hook.” She placed her hand over the hand gripping the wheel. She changed her voice to something more soothing. Being accusatory wasn’t going to get her anywhere with him.

“It’s nothing, Swan,” he said, this time through clenched teeth, as if it pained him to say it. Emma knew this had nothing to do with her, but for some reason, it felt like a personal attack. Where was the man who flirted with her, the smooth talker, the man who looked so betrayed when she’d left him on the beanstalk? But she still felt offended. Because she had better things to do than tiptoe around Hook’s feelings. She was here for Henry and Henry only.

“Fine!” And she stalked off to below deck. (Not her finest moment.)

He followed her there a few moments later as she decided to work out her anger by doing pull ups.

“I’m getting ready for a fight.” Emma answered him when he asked what she was doing. Ok she could have been nicer, but his lack of communication about what he was remembering was really getting on her nerves.

“Well, I’ve never known you to need to ‘get ready’ for a fight. I thought it was a natural state.” Emma could tell he was trying to crack a joke to get her out of the mood she was in from their last conversation, but again, it had no bite to it. It was as if an emotionless android had taken over Hook and it was beginning to scare her.

“Please tell me what’s wrong, Hook,” she pleaded as she sat down on one of the bunks.

He sighed; whether it was because he realized she wasn’t giving up or because he needed to get whatever it was off his chest (his very sexy, exposed chest,  _ not the time, Emma)  _ she wasn’t sure, but he took a seat opposite her.

“Just some old memories coming out that I had forgotten. Like I said, love, the closer we get to the island, the more I’ll remember.”

“And they’re bad?” Emma asked cautiously. Hook sighed again.

“More like shadows that I can’t see clearly. Like that niggling feeling you’re forgetting something important and it will plague me until we get closer and I can see through the veil. Emma nodded in understanding. “It just feels like I’m forgetting something important.” He sat for a moment, running his hand through his hair, before he abruptly got up and headed over to a small wardrobe that was in the corner of the room.

He returned to Emma holding a small cutlass. “It belonged to Baelfire when he was on this ship,” Hook explained when she looked back at him confused.

“I didn’t realize you were sentimental,” she said almost rudely. He snapped his head up, realizing their moment was over and walked over to a shelf and grabbed two shot glasses (well, they looked like they were made of pewter or silver, so...shot goblets?).

“I’m not. I just thought you could use it where we’re going.” He handed her the shot glass. “To fight.” He said almost mockingly. He popped the cork out of his flask with his teeth (not nearly as sexy as when he tied the scarf around her hand on the beanstalk) and poured a generous amount of rum. She didn’t fail to notice that he had poured himself a second before she’d even finished her first. Whatever memories were coming back were weighing heavily on his mind, even if he didn’t have the whole picture yet.

They sat in silence contemplating their empty shot containers. “How long was he with you?” she asked. It was hard to think of Neal as a young boy, let alone for hundreds of years and with Hook as a somewhat father figure. But when she looked back up at him for his answer he seemed bewildered at the question she had asked. Almost frightened, like she’d discovered a deep, dark secret he’d been hiding. She quickly dropped the shot glass onto the floor and knelt in front of him, grabbing his hand and his hook.

“Hook! What the hell is going on with you? Talk to me, please.” She wanted to think her concern for him was just because he knew the island and without him they’d be lost. She wouldn’t admit her concern for his well being could be for... other reasons. But he was really scaring her right now. She’d never seen him like this.

“I….” 

BANG!

Emma heard a thud against the ship, the impact causing them to slightly tilt. “What was that?”

Hook immediately went into captain mode. Anything he’d been about to tell her was now pushed aside to attend to whatever was banging against the ship in the middle of the ocean. Emma knew they couldn’t be at Neverland yet, so it had to be some sort of creature. She came up on deck as Hook was telling everyone to ready weapons. David had grabbed a lantern to try and see better (like that was going to be much help over the water), and she and Mary Margaret were looking into the water as well.

“What’s out there? A shark? A whale?” Those were the only creatures Emma could think of that could cause such an impact. David proved her wrong when he guessed a kraken (she really needed to start thinking in terms of mystical and mythical creatures), but Hook said it was worse than all of those. There was screeching coming from the water and all Emma could think about were the Screaming Eels from  _ The Princess Bride _ . Is that what was out in these waters. And then she saw a face staring up at her from under the water. 

No!

It couldn’t be.

“Mermaids.” Hook said with a hint of worry in his voice.

Great. Fucking mermaids. Guess they aren’t as pleasant as  _ The Little Mermaid _ made them out to be. Or maybe Neverland mermaids were their own special breed. Either way, they were trying to capsize the ship. Emma was frozen and didn’t know what to do. How the hell did you deter mermaids from trying to drown you?

David was the first into action, getting the small firing cannons ready to shoot at the water. Mary Margaret found a net which Emma helped her gather up to throw into the water. Hook continued to try and outrun them (although how he thought he could outrun mermaids in such a large ship, Emma didn’t understand), while Regina literally watched everyone else with a panicked look on her face. It wasn’t until Emma and Mary Margaret had caught a mermaid in their net that Regina finally took some action, throwing fireballs at the remaining mermaids and scaring them all away.

The sea around them calmed down and the ship sliced through the waves as if the mermaid attack hadn’t happened. Except for the fact that Emma and Mary Margaret were bringing up the mermaid they had caught up onto the ship. The net was heavy and waterlogged and the mermaid trying to wriggle its way free didn’t help. Regina finally took pity on them (or got sick of waiting) and magicked the mermaid onto the deck of the ship and bound her to it so she couldn’t jump overboard.

Emma was amazed at how beautiful the mermaid looked, what with all the shells, and pearls and other various jewels she wore. She looked like a model but with a tail instead of legs, dark hair with pale skin. Emma had almost been afraid they’d look like the horrible versions J.K. Rowling had dreamt up in the Harry Potter series. She was glad they looked more like the version most people thought of when imagining mermaids. Emma looked up at Hook at the wheel to see if he had any insight about what they should ask the mermaid (Why they tried to kill them being the foremost question on her tongue), but he was looking down at the mermaid with recognition.

“Hello, Hook.” The mermaid said, casting her steely gaze on the captain, and despite the water splashing all around them, he gave an audible gulp before answering, “Hello Nerissa.” He said it in a casual tone, as if he couldn’t be bothered with this mermaid, but Emma could tell that he was fighting off the urge to scream or yell. She could see terror behind his eyes.

“You know this...fish?” Regina yelled up to him, but all he could do was nod and say Aye. There was no sarcastic comment, no innuendo, nothing. This complete about face in his personality was unnerving Emma.

“Oh!’ Nerissa said with a hint of ridicule, a smirk taking over her beautiful face. “You don’t have all your memories back, do you? Can’t even remember why we….Well, I think it’ll be more fun for you to remember on your own.” She sneered. At this, Hook finally seemed to remember he had a voice.

“Get her off my ship.” It was low and growly and would have been seductive if not for the foreboding tone he said it with. This was the Hook who had nothing to lose, the Hook who held onto his revenge for years. Not the flirtatious, innuendo-laden Hook that she’d grown to know over the past few months.

Mary Margaret and Regina started to protest against Hook’s orders, but Emma cut them off. “Get her off the ship. We have no need for her. She won’t be able to help us find Henry.” Mary Margaret looked chagrined at Emma’s outburst, but Regina wanted to keep going at her.

“This thing and her fish friends almost killed us.” Regina barked. Emma had been walking away from them, satisfied that she’d made her point, but turned around quickly at Regina’s outburst.

“Leave your little revenge schemes for later. The only thing we need to worry about right now is Henry. Got it?” Regina’s eyes widened as she realized that questioning the mermaid further might give her some gratification in her ire, but would only delay the inevitable of needing to find her son.

“Fine.” Regina said angrily. She flung her hand toward the water and the mermaid flew back into the sea with a loud splash.

Emma waited five minutes, and when nothing else major happened, she made her way up to where Hook was. To anyone else, Emma was sure that he looked like his regular old self. Dark and brooding while at the wheel. But Emma could see there was no light in his eyes. No fire. No spark. He was staring straight ahead at the island that was much closer. Every few seconds Emma could hear him wince as a memory seemed to make its way into his mind. And then, a single tear dropped and Emma knew something was terribly wrong.

“David.” Emma whispered. “I think you need to take over the wheel.” David opened his mouth, probably to ask why, when he glanced over at Hook. He closed his mouth immediately and headed over toward Hook, who relinquished the wheel without question and moved to the railing behind it. As if he couldn’t stand to look upon Neverland anymore.

Emma wasn’t even sure what she was supposed to do in this situation. Would Captain Hook want to be...comforted? But she also had to know what about this island could cause such a strong response. And if it would affect their search for Henry.

She took a deep breath before coming up beside him. She placed her hand on his hook. It didn’t feel nearly as cold as she thought it would, and the metal started to warm under her touch. Hook looked at her in surprise and that small gesture seemed to finally open up the torrent of memories that he’d been trying not to let affect him. His eyes were opened wide, and his breathing was more shallow than usual. “Swan.” He gasped, before he his legs seemed to almost buckle underneath him and he slid down the side of the ship onto the deck.. Luckily, his little outburst hadn’t caught Mary Margaret or Regina’s attention, and David was concentrating on maneuvering the ship around the back of the island as Hook had suggested.

“Hook.” Emma said, shooting him a glance that she hoped conveyed that he could talk to her and tell her what was wrong.

“I didn’t…” Hook began, now resorting to pulling at his hair, “It wasn’t…” He was trying to catch his breath. 

“Hook, please.” she said as gently as she could. She took his hand and hook into her own and tried to keep his gaze on her. His blue eyes were wide open in fear and torment. More tears threatened to spill out. Hook looked skyward to keep those tears from actually falling. She could tell that it was taking every ounce of control he had not to completely break down in front of her. Emma released the hand holding his hook and brought it up to his face. She could feel his stubbled jaw tremble from the tick in his jaw. “You can tell me.” She practically pleaded. It was hard to reconcile the Captain Hook she’d gotten to know to this man in front of her who was trying his damndest to keep it together. Emma finally understood what her walls might look like to others and it was terrifying to see it reflected back at her.

And with that declaration, he seemed to finally break. Or, at least what could be considered breaking for Captain Hook as the few tears he couldn’t manage to hold back spilled out and his jaw clenched so hard that Emma was afraid he would crack his perfect teeth.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He looked straight ahead as he said it. Emma doubted that he even saw her there. She couldn’t imagine what he would be apologizing for. They went into this journey with their eyes wide open. Regardless of the danger, they had to rescue Henry.

Hook’s eyes were now focused on Neverland. They had reached the mouth of the river and were officially entering Neverland territory. The air around them had thickened and pressed down upon them. Emma felt like a weight had been pressed onto her chest with the humidity that had surrounded them. Her eyes went to Hook that seemed unaffected by it. His breathing was still erratic and Emma worried he’d make himself pass out.

“What are you sorry about Hook?” she asked tenderly. She needed Hook to get back to himself or they’d never find Henry. She hated that she had to use him like that, but Henry was too important for her to have other feelings for Hook at this time.

His head lifted up towards her, his eyes now rimmed red from the tears, his face ashen. He did not look like the Captain Hook she’d met in the Enchanted Forest. Not even when he’d told her about his love, Milah. He never looked like this broken man.

“My son.” He whispered so softly Emma almost didn’t hear him. “I have a son.”


End file.
